10 election pledges I’d vote for

1 No gargling after 7.30am
2 All root vegetables served with dinner to be carved into amusing shapes
3 Hat doffing classes available as part of adult education
4 No hopping on Bank Holidays
5 Cashpoint screens to also offer Space Invaders
6 All cars to be made amphibious by 2015
7 Football managers made to learn English as an obligatory second language
8 Thwacking balloons with rolled up newspaper to be an Olympic sport
9 Tax concessions for cheese restaurants
10 On the spot fines for people who smirk on public transport

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